Building a Christian Home
A. The Founding of the family
1. Not due to natural process of social consciousness.
a. Man’s nature
1). May be social
2). Certainly not moral or Godly.
Note: God’s Word, the Bible, states that the natural man is earthly, sensual, seeking to satisfy the flesh. It is not a matter of desiring to know spiritual things, but of simply not being capable of knowing them because of lacking the Guide to spiritual knowledge. ie. A monkey can mimic a man, performing some of the same operations that man performs, but the monkey does not know the things of man because he does not have the spirit of man. It is more than the fact that he does not know them, he cannot know them. Also, the natural man can perform some of the same operations that the spiritual man performs. This ability is no indication that he is spiritual or even knows spiritual things. He does not and cannot because he does not have the same spirit.
b. Sin nature leads to breakdown of the family and thus – society.
2. Directly by God
a. Created from earth.
1). Note what God considered to be good. (stars,
planets, earth, etc.)
2). What did God say was not good? refer to Genesis 2:18 –
That man should dwell alone.
a). Man had a personal relationship with God.
b). God said that man needed to have another relationship,
not instead of, but along with his relationship with God.
c). God made man with a capacity that He chose not
to fill Himself, but reserved for only a woman to fill.
b. Created the woman from the man. Genesis 2:21,23
3. The plan for the man and woman. Genesis 2:24,25
a. As we have seen, they are to complete one another.
(The natural man’s way is to misspell this word as compete)
b. Two individual personalities functioning as one being.
(Notice Job and his wife. No clear written explanation,
but interesting that Job’s wife was protected as he was).
B. The Form of the Family.
God has established the form for the family in antiquity and no amount of argument or debate will change it.
1. The Husband.
a. He is accountable directly to God. I Corinthians 11:3
b. He has primary responsibility. Ephesians 5
1). He is to lead. vs. 23
2). He is to love vs. 25
3). He is to lay down his life for his wife.
(Not to be self-serving)
2. The Wife Ephesians 5; Colossians 3
a. She is to help her husband to accomplish God’s
will for their lives, no matter what it is.
b. She is to live for her husband.
c. She is accountable to God and to her husband.
3. The Children.
a. They are to obey their parents (Note the example of Jesus)
1). At what time do they make their own decisions?
a). It is often assumed that it is when they
become adults and base that on a certain age.
b). God says that it is when they get married. Ephesians 5:31
2). They are to always honour their parents.
a). By living for the Lord.
b). By not bring shame.
b. The parents are to bring them up unto the Lord.
C. The Function of the family.
Refer to the twice given pattern in Ephesians 5:18-25 and Colossians 3:16-21 dealing with the family.
1. Be Godly
a. Led of the Holy Spirit.
b. Rejoicing in the Word of God.
c. Praising God always.
2. Be unified with each other and with God.
3. Bring glory to God through the family.
II. The Home
A. Characteristics of the home.
1. Jesus Christ is the Head of the home
The closer to God, the closer to each other
2. Jesus is always Chief in the home and is respected.
a. The fruits of the Spirit abound and God’s leadership is most important.
b. The activity of the family shows forth the leadership of God.
1). Conversation and communication.
a). Verbal and nonverbal
(1). The contents are still fresh but the package is getting rough. Look after yourself!
(2). Body language speaks loud and clear.
b). Careful in speaking. Realize the difficulties involved in communication and think about it
(1). How many times have you been misunderstood?
(2). How many times have you misunderstood?
(3). Think about an embarrassing incident that happened because you misunderstood.
(4). Know the six possible messages sent in communication.
-What you meant to say
-What you actually say.
-What the other person hears.
-What the other person thinks he hears.
-What the other person says about what you said.
-What you think the other person said about what you said.
c). Always ready to listen. Proverbs 18:13
d). Careful in answering. Wait for the other person to finish speaking.
Proverbs 15:23; 21:23; James 1:19.
e). Ready to work at understanding.
(1). Do not argue. Speak out of love. Ephesians 4:29-32
(2). Do not react in anger. Ephesians 4:26, 31
(3). Do not place blame. Galations 6:1
(4). Confess when wrong. James 5:16
(5). Do not nag. Proverbs 19:13; 21:9,19.
(6). Always consider the other person.
(7). Be ready to forgive. I Peter 4:8; Hebrews 10:17,18
2). Duties (Role models)
3. The Word of God, the Bible, is read and obeyed and prayer is natural.
4. The friends of God are always welcome and taken care of. Acts 16:15; Galations 6:10
5. Problems, difficulties, even confusion are taken care of by the Lord through His Word
B. Love in the Home.
1. Characteristics. Colossians 3
a. Tender. vs. 12-14
b. Peace of God rules. vs. 15
c. Serving Christ. vs. 17
d. Submission by the wife. vs. 18
e. Love from the husband. vs. 19
f. Obedience from the children. vs. 20
2. Sacrificial. This is taught by the Lord in every area of His life.
b. Spouse remains unsaved.
c. Sin in life of both or either of the husband or wife.
(The automatic response is for them to avoid God. Refer to Genesis 3)
C. Plan the home.
As a plan was needed to build your house, a plan is needed to build your home. Follow the adage plan your work – work your plan.
1. Work with a calendar at first to determine your weekly routine.
2. Note on the calendar the days and times of church services and ministry activities.
3. Mark down a time for daily devotions. (Set for each person in the home)
4. Mark down the time for family devotions.
5. Maintain a family time.
a. A time for the husband and wife.
b. A time for the parents and children.
6. Remember that even when a house is built, it needs continual maintenance. Be careful to maintain your home.
III. The Husband
A. A Man
1. His purpose in life is to glorify God.
a. Meaning of Headship
1). God’s representative.
a). The world’s perception of Christianity is based on what they see in the Christian’s life. II Corinthians 6:14-18
Do they see –
(1). Holy, separated, dedicated, or –
(2). Hypocritical, compromising, unholy.
b). Children’s perception of God is initially based on the husband’s (father’s) life.
Our Father which are in Heaven…
b. Family leader
1). Old Testament – God’s decree
a). He is accountable. Numbers 30:13-15 (vow)
b). He is responsible. I Corinthians 14:34,35
c). Abraham was called the husband and head of the home. See Genesis 12:1-5 and Joshua led his family in the way of God. See Joshua 24:15
2). New Testament
a). Paul’s instructions in Ephesians 5:22-23
b). Peter’s example. I Corinthians 9:5. He had family responsibilities and he
served God faithfully.
2. His pattern is found in Jesus.
a. Total submission to the Father. Mark 10:45; Luke 22:42; Philippians 2:5-8
b. The Standard to His followers. John 15:13
1). Encouraged submission. John 7:37,38
2). Led by example. Mark 8:34.
3). Taught them how to believe God. Mark 9:35-37.
c. Understanding human nature. John 2:23-25.
d. Accepted responsibility for His followers.
1). He loved them. John 15:9
2). He was patient. Mark 9:19
3). He protected them. John 17:12
4). He provided for them.
(a). During the earthly ministry. Mark 10:45
(b). After He ascended into Heaven. John 14:16
(c). Met their spiritual needs. Matthew 24:3
(d). Met their physical needs. Mark 1:30-31; 8:4ff
5). He trained and prepared them. John 20:21
3. The Characteristics are stated in Scripture.
a. I Timothy 3:1-7, 8-13
b. Titus 1:7-9
c. I Peter 5:1-7
While most of these qualifications are standards of a certain office, they should be the standard for every man.
B. A Husband
1. Separated unto his wife. Genesis 2:24
2. To hold his wife in respect. I Peter 3:7
3. To love his wife. Ephesians 5:18-33;
Colossians 3:19 – compare with Philippians 2:5
a. Living in God’s will. vs. 18-21
1). Submitted to God. vs. 18
2). Rejoicing in God. vs. 19
3). Thanking God for the leadership of the Holy Spirit and for the ability to rejoice. vs. 20
4). Acting upon God’s will in human relationships.
b. Living according to God’s plan.
1). It is God’s will for the wife to submit to the husband. vs. 22
2). It is God’s will for the husband to submit to God. vs. 23,24
c. Loving by God’s example.
1). Maintain a holy marriage with the purpose of glorifying God. vs. 25-27
2). Love is an act of giving, primarily yourself. vs. 28-33
d. Romancing his wife. (to give her pleasure)
e. Managing his home well. I Timothy 3:4
C. A Father
1. He is responsible to God. I Samuel chapters 1-3
a. Children are a gift from God.
b. God holds the father accountable for the proper discipline of
the children. Note 1 Samuel 3:13
2. He is to train up the children.
Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:20-21
IV. The Wife
A. A woman
1. Created by God with a purpose.
a. God created man from dust (earth) for Himself.
b. God created woman from the man.
c. God created woman for man (to complete him). Genesis 2:18, 21-22.
2. The relationships changed due to sin. Genesis 3:7-16. Note vs. 16
a. She is still responsible to complete the man.
b. She is now to be subject to him.
c. She is to glorify God in her life. Galations 3:28
B. A Wife
1. The authority.
a. The authority of her father is transferred to her husband at the time of their marriage. Numbers 30:6-16
b. She is not inferior to her husband.
c. She has different capabilities and responsibilities designed by God.
2. The responsibility.
a. To be separated unto her husband.
b. To glorify God. I Peter 3:2-4. (remember Galations 3:28)
1). Living carefully before the Lord. vs. 2 (knowing God’s will)
2). Concerned about pleasing God instead of pleasing personal ego. vs. 3
3). The impact of purity is shown in vs. 4. refer also to Esther 2:12-17
c. To submit to the leadership of her husband, which is to the glory of God.
Ephesians 5:22-24; Titus 2:5; I Peter 3:1-6
1). Whether they are Christians or non-Christians. 1 Peter 3:1 refer also to
I Corinthians 7:10-15.
a). The wife married him, making the choice of who to be submitted to.
(1). The wife did not choose parents nor government, yet the wife is responsible to be subject to them.
(2). Most women have the opportunity to choose their husbands. Be sure that they can submit to the men they choose.
b). Biblical examples of wives in submission to God and to husbands. 1 Peter 3:5-6.
c). The pattern of submission is the Lord Jesus.
(1). We are to think like He does. Philippians 2:5-8
(2). He chose to submit. John 5:19,30.
(3). Submission does not evidence being inferior, but is evidence of order.
(4). Maintain a submissive attitude. I Corinthians 14:33,34; I Timothy 2:11-14.
d. Husband is held responsible. Exodus 4:24,25.
e. The wife is to be a help.
1). To her husband.
2). To younger women. Titus 2:3-5
3. Simple advice for wives.
Note: The husband and wife must have God first in their lives, then immediately following, each other. We are to develop our love for God and for one another. An important step in this relationship is for the wife to accept the husband as he is.
a. Marriage, your husband, is God’s gift. Accept it as such.
1). Be knowledgeable.
a). The husband is not perfect.
b). God does not make mistakes. Psalm 139:13,14.
c). Personality will work to good. Romans 8:28
2). Give expectations for husband to the Lord.
a). Do not set goals for him.
b). Do not try and change him.
(1). This would mean that you are not happy or satisfied with your husband.
(2). Do not keep him on probation.
(3). Do not try and be his mother.
c). Be encouraging
d). Recognize the characteristics of immaturity.
(1). Critical and selfish. My way or no way! I Kings 21:1-3
(2). Pouting and full of self-pity. My way was better! I Kings 21:4
(3). Lord of the Manor, a bad attitude.
(4). Refuses to make decisions or slow in making them. (As opposed to being prayerful in them).
(5). Little or no help at home.
(6). Little or no self-discipline.
(7). Refuses to lead the household in spiritual matters.
e). The husband will mature if he grows in the Lord. Colossians 2:6,7.
b. The husband is unique. Do not compare him with others.
c. Husbands need your love, prayer, acceptance. Give the same benefit that you
would give any brother in Christ. Matthew 7:1-5; Colossians 3:12,13.
C. A Mother
1. She is to help maintain order in the home. Note that the husband is ultimately responsible to God for these things).
2. She is to love her children. Titus 2:4
3. Her ideal standard is found in Proverbs 31:10-31.
V. The in-laws
God’s Word reveals the humanity of ‘In-Laws’ and there are no surprises.
1. Accomodation to circumstances leading to little respect – Genesis 19:12-14
2. Conniving, deceitful, seeking the best for self. Genesis 31:41,42
3. Helpful – Exodus 18:1-7; 13, 17-19
4. Dedicated – Ruth 1:16-18; 2:11
5. Serving – Mark 1:30,31
How are believers to respond to their in-laws?
A. Honour father and mother. Exodus 20:12
“The law ordains also, that parents should be honoured immediately after God Himself…” Flavius Josephus, Against Apion Book 2, 28. (Jewish historian of first century)
1. The word honour literally means be heavy. It would be used much like the
phrase He carries a lot of weight with that organization. In other words, he is respected.
It is said of someone that deserves to be respected and obeyed.
2. It is to be genuine and complete. Notice God’s anger toward meaningless honour.
Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men:
3. The parents are not to be brought to shame by the actions of the children.
Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
2 Timothy 3:2
For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
4. Definition of piety.
a. Dutiful devotion to God.
b. Devotion and obedience to parents.
B. Leaving father and mother.
The word “leave” means to loose from and to separate from. In order to understand this separation, we must understand something of the connection.
1. Children are responsible to give account to parents. Note the illustration given by
Galatians 4:1-2 Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father.
Son-Servant. This was an accepted truth well known enough to be used as an illustration.
2. The parents are responsible to help the children make right decisions.
Numbers 30:4-8. (Note also the husbands accountability given in vs. 15).
3. The parents of responsible to train up the children. Proverbs 1:8; 10:1; 23:22-26.
4. The children will loose from this training, responsibility, and accountability and will take up a new relationship with a new helper.
5. Separation does not necessarily deal with proximity.
a. Living with. Genesis 24:67
b. Living with. Genesis 28
c. Living away from. Genesis 29
d. Living near. Genesis 35
e. Living with. Mark 1:30
f. Recognize difficulties. Mark 6:1-6; Luke 12:53
C. Care shown to father and mother
1. Normal activity is for parents to care for children.
2 Corinthians 12:14
Behold, the third time I am ready to come to you; and I will not be burdensome to you: for I seek not yours, but you: for the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children.
2. Children are to meet parents needs.
1 Timothy 5:4
But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.
1 Timothy 5:16
If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed.
a. Context is dealing with the church meeting needs.
b. If there are children, it is their responsibility to meet the parental needs.
D. Witnessing to father and mother.
Share the gospel with an earnest desire to see them saved.
What kind of testimony do you have to your parents and in-laws?
VI. The Children
A. Blessings from God.
1. Created according to God’s plan. Genesis 1:28
2. Children are given by God. Psalm 127,128.
3. Children’s needs are to be supplied by the parents. Proverbs 13:22;
II Corinthians 12:14.
B. Growth cycle. (raised unto the Lord).
C. Adulthood. (committed to the Lord)
Problem. Household revolves around the children instead of the husband/wife.
D. Discipline in the home.
The husband/father is responsible and will give an account to God.
1. The first step in right discipline is instruction in the right way to go.
a. Teaching God’s Word. Psalm 119:9-11, 89, 105. 130.
1). Paul commends Timothy’s mother for her teaching him as a child. II Timothy 3:15.
2). Solomon encourages the teaching of children.
Proverbs 1:8; 4:1,2; 6:20; 13:1; 15:5; 28:7.
b. Responsibility of complete education. (From notes from Fairfax Baptist Temple).
1). Education in Biblical perspective.
a). Education is to enable man to carry out his purpose on Earth and in eternity.
(1). To know the purpose of education we must know the purpose of man.
(2). Man’s purpose as designed by God is twofold:
(a). The first mandate.
. Genesis 1:28. To be fruitful and multiply, and replenish.
. Psalm 8:6. To subdue and have dominion.
(b). The second mandate. (redemptive)
. Matthew 11:28-30. Come unto me
. Necessary because of the fall of man.
. By sin, the earth subdues man.
. Becomes the foundation of the Great Commission.
b). Accomplishing man’s purpose. Matthew 6:33.
(1). What is the educational end product?
(a). To glorify God. I Corinthians 10:31.
(b). To be as much like Christ as possible.
. How to think and act Biblically.
. To be aware of His leading and heading toward a life of specialty.
. How to distinguish God’s wisdom from the wisdom of the world.
. How to live as a Christian citizen under a government that does not always abide by Biblical principles.
. Manifest the fruit of the Spirit.
(2). Incorporating the educational process – a parental responsibility.
(a). Deuteronomy 6:1-9
(b). Ephesians 6:1-4
(c). Proverbs 22:6
(d). Colossians 2:4-10
(3). God’s provision is complete for our lives.
(a). Where we are.
(b). For the present. – God knows your parental responsibility
(c). To meet our needs – God will meet your educational need.
2). Methods of Christian education.
a). Education must be Bible based.
b). Parents must stay involved in the education process.
c). Definition of education: The nature and process of communicating truth as well as the result of having learned the truth.
d). Preparation of the soul.
(1). For eternity.
(2). For this world and the spiritual battle.
(a). Character molding.
. Wisdom = Biblical knowledge + application.
. A holy character must be developed from an unholy nature.
(b). Academic readiness.
. What is sufficient academic preparation?
[a]. Reading – to read and know God’s Word.
[b]. Communication – to witness effectively.
[c]. History – to gain perspective.
[d]. Mathematics – to obtain orderliness.
[e]. Science – to understand and subdue the natural world.
. All academics should be taught in order to glorify God.
2. The second step in discipline.
Note that this discipline is regularly used in every area of life and the child must be taught to respect authority.
1). Administered in holiness and in love.
a). Too much correction is administered in anger.
(1). It is not for the good of the child.
(2). It is an immediate release for the parent, not a positive learning
process for the child.
(3). It is not Biblical. Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21.
b). God’s example shows holiness and love. Hebrews 12:6
(1). Withholding correction does not show for love.
(2). Correction shows concern for the persons welfare.
(a). God explains that discipline shows love. Proverbs 13:24
(b). God has given senses to aid in education in preparing a child to live a God-honouring life.
It is possible for parents to create hostility and aggressiveness in their children by behaving violently themselves. If they scream and yell, lashing out emotionally, flailing the children for the accidents and mistakes, they serve as models for the children to imitate. That kind of parental violence is worlds apart for the proper disciplinary approach. However, when the child has lowered his head and clenched his fist, he is daring the parent to take him on. If the parent responds appropriately on the backside, he has taught the child a valuable lesson that is consistent with God’s natural method of instruction. Consider the purpose of pain in life. Suppose two year old Peter is pulling the tablecloth and with it comes a vase of roses which tips over the edge of the table, cracking him between the eyes. Peter is in great pain. From this pain he learns that it is dangerous to pull on the tablecloth. Likewise, he presses his arm against a hot stove and quickly learns that fire must be treated with respect….. for three or four years, he accumulates bumps and bruises and scratches and burns, each one teaching him to avoid making those same mistakes again. God created this mechanism as the child’s best vehicle for instruction. Dare to Discipline Dr. James Dobson. (Used by permission)
2). Administered consistently.
a). God’s justice is just and true. John 12:44-50
b). God’s justice is unchanging. John 1:1-5; Revelation 1:8
(1). He has revealed to us our responsibilities.
(2). He does not judge by man’s standard (which changes)
(3). Man needs to follow God’s standard.
(a). Makes the rules know, easy to be understood.
(b). Enforce them consistently.
2). Administered firmly.
a). More than discussion is involved.
(1). Discussion makes the rules known.
(2). Discussion makes the infraction (breaking of the rules) known.
b). Physical discipline is of God.
(1). To be administered in love.
(2). Pain is to be inflicted. (not injury)
(a). Enough to bring forth tears. Proverbs 19:18
(b). Enough to bring forth repentance.
Note: Not a false remorse, only being sorry for being caught! Hebrews 12:17
(3). Right correction will show itself in Godly living.
b. Punishment. refer to Deuteronomy 21:18-20
VII. Preparing to build a home.
Note: Love does not begin the process, but it grows in the process.
1. What is dating?
b. Casual dating
c. Special dating
d. Steady dating
2. Maintain standards.
a. Do not date non-Christians II Corinthians 6:14-18
1). You do not match each other.
2). Body, soul, God’s Spirit / Body, soul, man’s spirit.
3). I Corinthians 2:14.
b. Control your emotions.
You are not under obligation to your date for any thing except to glorify God.
c. Control where you go.
1). Stay away from temptation.
2). Flee dangerous situations.
3. Ask yourself questions.
a. Are both led of God?
b. Do parents (especially Christian parents) approve?
c. What will the relationship lead to?
4. Be led by God’s Word.
Do not contradict God’s Word with your own will!
1. Should be done first through prayer and study of the Scriptures. Be sure the direction your are going is the right one.
2. Seek counsel. Marriage counseling is a vital part of laying a good foundation for the Spiritual home.
a. This will be the time to plan the wedding ceremony, but it is much more than this.
b. This is an opportunity for a husband and wife to establish a strong relationship with their pastor.
1). They need this to help in their serving in the church.
2). They need to know they can go to the pastor with any problem in the future.
c. This is the time for misconceptions about marriage to be sorted out and corrections to be made through the Scriptures.
d. Information about marriage can be given during the counseling time and books recommended for the couple to read and to discuss.
3. Discussion of responsibilities.
a. What is your definition of marriage?
b. How do you plan for the home to operate?
c. What is going to be the relationship with the in-laws?
d. Who will take care of the finances and how?
Note: A family and a home that glorify God do not just happen! It is planned according to God’s Word and the plan is worked at! There is no greater rejoicing and peace than that which comes from a Spiritual Home.